In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
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Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.