I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house