BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
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Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Meanwhile in Portland…
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.