“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.