My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
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“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Hotels are back
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.