ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.