ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
We need to put an American base on the sun
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
