The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
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Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?