The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.