[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.