Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
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RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
watergate? u mean a dam??
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.