Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
You Might Also Like
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.