Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
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Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..