You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.