SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
You Might Also Like
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
uh oh
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Not today. 😅
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.