did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
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Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
This is my pinned tweet
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”