in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: