I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
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*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.