some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
You Might Also Like
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Is fructose made with real fruct?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
philosophical skeletons be like
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Pigeon open mic night.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.