We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
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I think I’ll stand
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her