Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
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Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Great Canadian literature.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”