[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
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When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Twitter remains undefeated
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.