Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
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[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
ㅤ A R G H
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Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!