I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
You Might Also Like
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes