Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
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Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
why no one uses midhusbands
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’