Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
You Might Also Like
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
step 6: release the wall snake
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Passwords are more important than ever.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?