Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
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“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
🤣😂
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If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific