I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I’m sorry…what?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security