the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
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toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?