Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
You Might Also Like
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*