“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
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Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days