That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
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Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.