Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
You Might Also Like
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My work here is done
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today