“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
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First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Customer is always right
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here