If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
You Might Also Like
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.