HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
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At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?