[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
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Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one