“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
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*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.