All food is good if you spell it wrong
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.