I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
all that yoga finally paid off
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.