Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
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Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
5 ways to appear taller
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud