The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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one last job
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I laughed at this way too hard.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.