Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren鈥檛 pregnant.
Him: Doesn鈥檛 this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My child鈥檚 math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven鈥檛 pushed everything off it yet. you can鈥檛.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police