*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
How it started: How it’s going:
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Baking is just science you can eat.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.