cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall