*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I would move hell over six inches for you
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
They grow up so quick
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool