Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again