ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain