My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
The USS B port
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
and this one
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.