boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.