If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Awwwww shit.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.