GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
You Might Also Like
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.