Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.