Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…